


Grocery Shopping

by MirandaJ



Series: World's Worst Dadtective [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Batdad, Batfamily Feels, Damian is spoiled, Dick loves cereals, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Is Alive, Explosions, Fluff, Gen, Grocery Shopping, Humor, I Blame Tumblr, Jason is a Dork, This Is STUPID, Tim is tired, every place is a good bed, he's still cute tho, so am I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 15:52:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18182621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandaJ/pseuds/MirandaJ
Summary: Alfred is gone on a trip, the batfam needs to be united in this moment of loss, they can't take care of themselves, Jason is in charge and there's grocery shopping.Inspired bythis screenshot.





	Grocery Shopping

**Author's Note:**

> Yep!
> 
> The summary, well sums it all.  
> I saw this post and I laughed so hard, but I mean so hard, I'm actually still laughing, so I decided to write a batfam story out of it, but then I needed a reason for them to be shopping for groceries and then I couldn't stop, so there you have.
> 
> This stupid thing hasn't been proof read so I'm sorry but oh well, hope you have fun.

Alfred stepped out of the Manor's doorstep with an uncomfortable tingle in the tip of his stomach, Bruce accompanied him to the cab as he specifically told the man that he did not wish to be dropped off at the airport. Bruce opened the car door and Alfred took a moment to analyze his face, his shining courteous blue eyes, his jaw mildly set in worry, something only Al was able to distinguish, then the butler glanced to the door, standing there side by side were Damian and Timothy, apart enough to not touch the other as different tones of nervousness displayed through their expression, Richard, who had come all the way from Bludhaven to stay with them while Alfred was out, wore an anxious smile as if pretending all of this was fine. The elder man entered cab and Bruce handed him the suitcase, _it's just a week_ , he told himself, the car pulled off and he waved them goodbye through the window. As soon as the house door was closed Alfred heard shouts in the distance, _Oh dear!_ He sighed rethinking why he decided to take the week off, oh right because it had been years since the last time, his aunt was sick, Gotham was in peace _for now_ and Master Bruce insisted.

 

Alfred forced himself to calm down, there was no need to worry, there was food prepared for an entire month just for precaution and everyone's clothes were washed and folded in their closets, the house was perfectly tidy and clean. With a slow breath his mind whirled back to the shouting, thinking about how those idiots were capable of surviving life-threatening and inhumane situations but they could kill themselves when it came down to living like normal humans, taking a task as simple as making a sandwich and paradoxically transforming it on a life-threatening circumstance. It had been almost an hour in Gotham's chaotic traffic that Alfred consented that unease he felt wasn't going to go away so he decided to take extreme measures, he pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and started a text:

 

_‘Master Jason, my dear boy,_

_It's pounding on great worries that I reach for you, as seeing you are the only living Wayne with the capabilities for surviving a trivial life-’_ The butler kept typing until he finished his message as the cab stopped at the airport and before he had the chance to a second thought he sent it and allowed himself to focus on his well deserved vacation trip to London.

 

* * *

 

Afternoon sun shone in the summer skies as Jason roared through the gates of the Wayne Manor in his motorcycle and rounded the giant building to stop at the smaller garage by the kitchen’s backdoor, he held a swanky smirk as he jumped off of his bike throwing the backpack over his shoulder when suddenly a big boom sound thundered, smoke started to come from the doorway and the fire alarm echoed loudly through the place. _Seriously?!_ Jason sighed already regretting his decision to come at all.

 

He pushed the door open and the scene was devastating, the kitchen looked like a warzone after a firebombing, the microwave exploded along with the fridge he assumed, the sprinklers had turned on and little flames were still coming from the pantry cabinets. With a water bucket Dick tried to put out the rest of the fire, Titus jumped weltering himself around a fallen Bruce, Damian proceeded to get down and help his father get up, Tim stood beside the counter wearing a befuddled expression with large dark bags under his eyes while Alfred The Cat posed gracefully at the window pane giving them a blasé _meow_.

 

“Honestly guys!?!” Jason pronounced loudly getting everyone's attention. “It hasn't even been two hours!” The young man facepalmed pulling skin down as he lowered his hand.

 

“Jay!” Dick cheered, empty bucket dropped to the ground.

 

“Jason.” Bruce stated with a hint of relief as he squeezed his soaking wet clothes to get rid of the water.

 

“What the actual fuck?!” Jason didn't wait for another variation of his name to be said.

 

“Alfie is gone and-” Dick started.

 

“And now I am in charge of this shit for a week.” Jason announced abruptly interrupting the older boy.

 

“And what makes you think that Todd? -tt” Damian crossed his arms beside his father.

 

“Alfred does.” He pulled out his phone and showed it to them.

 

Bruce took the phone, eyes widening as he read, the other boys crowding him and wearing most definitely offended looks on their faces.

 

“Al really thinks so little of us…” Tim finally spoke lousily through a wet yawn.

 

“And he's not wrong.” Jason waved vaguely in the air. “You know what? Forget it.” Jason snapped his phone back. “Just tell me, how the hell did this happen?” He hand signed to the mess before him while sitting at the table. No one seemed to go against him after reading Alfred's message, just joining him with petty looks and Dick took the lead in talking _as always_.

 

“So Alfie went on his trip to England and left us food to only heat and we decided to do the raviolis for lunch, Damian was reading the instructions.” Dick motioned to Damian who still had the wet small notebook in hands. “And it said we should cook it in boiling water, well we thought it was taking too long for the water to boil so we put the raviolis in the water anyways and Tim gave the idea to put it on the microwave-”

 

“I'm tired...” Tim chewed on air.

 

“Anyways,” the older boy continued, “so Bruce took the pot and we put it in there and a few seconds after we turned it on it exploded and the sparks went directly to the fridge wire, so it exploded too and then the cabinets caught on fire and the sprinklers turned on, then Titus came running in crashed with Bruce so he fell and I was trying to get more water to-” Dick listed the facts and by now all Jason wanted to do was laugh.

 

“I should really leave you here to die!” He couldn't suppress a snort. “But I'm doing this for Alfie, because you are a bunch of dumbasses who can't even boil some pasta.” And now he grinned looking at them and feeling the power. “So, all the food Alfred made is wasted,” he paused to take that in, “and we’re gonna have to make some groceries shopping.” Jason stated.

 

“Or we could just order some takeout.” Bruce suggested.

 

“Well, Alfred says I'm the boss and I say we're fucking going shopping for food, you cannot order takeout for a whole week.” Jason clarified with an evil grin and Bruce grunted.

 

After all of them changed and engaged on a short car ride to the grocery store, they pulled up on the half full giant parking lot, as they all got out Jason took the lead riled up but still trying to keep himself from laughing.

 

“Welcome to the grocery store, let me introduce you, Guys this is Walmart.” Jason spoke loudly with opened arms motioning to the bright blue building ahead of them while walking to the entrance, “Oh and these,” he pointed to an open shed close to the automatic doors “are the shopping carts,” ignorant looks met him, “you grab one and go in the store” no objections were made and soon they were in the place, “so…” Jason continued “you take the shopping cart, go through each aisle and grab the items on this list,” he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Bruce, “whatever else you decide to buy is none of my business, after you are done you’ll get to the cashiers to pay for everything.” As an excursion guide  he finished his speech with a bright smile.

 

“What about you?” Dick inquired with Tim leaning on him half asleep.

 

“Imma find someone to fix the kitchen.” He answered as if it was obvious, Jason didn't wait for any other word and got away, leaving them there to die.

 

To be fair the first couple of aisles were reasonably easy, they just had to grab the stuff and put it in the cart, and Jason's list was perfectly organized by categories, Dick was in charge of pushing the cart, Tim just followed him sleeply messing with his tablet and Damian and Bruce were picking the groceries, for a moment Bruce stopped them realizing they'd forgot an item from the last aisle and claimed he was going to get it so they didn't have to go all the way back. Meanwhile Tim's tablet fell into the cart, he carefully got in to search for it and for a moment in there he was all curled up and comfy that he decided he would just stay there he had lost his shoes in the cart anyways, Dick was currently helping Damian to get some snack bags from the high shelves he couldn't reach and was just throwing it all in there. Bruce got back with his items and they kept going a few more aisles, but irritation crept up on each of them though nobody had yet noticed Tim was missing, while they piled things up on top of the boy, then they had the brilliant idea.

 

“Let's separate, so we get it done faster.” Bruce said, Bruce did not know what he was doing.

 

Now that he was alone Bruce could actually focus on the task ahead of him strolling along with the shopping cart and having absolutely no idea why vegetables and fruits fell into not only different categories on the the list but were also in piled up in giant baskets all over the store section, that could barely be considered aisles by the way things were sorted around there, most impressive thing was how Jason was able to come up with all that when Bruce couldn't tell the difference between a cabbage and an iceberg lettuce, _what the hell was an iceberg lettuce?_. He had gone over most of the list and his headache was pairing to a sledgehammer knocking on his skull, he decided to stop at the pharmacy by the end just to get some aspirins, at some point he was in the beverages aisle when the cart stirred, he thought on checking to see if something was wrong but preferred to assume it was just the groceries adjusting in the cart. Bruce looked back down to piece of paper and resolved he wasn't ready to go in search for cleaning products, he picked a bottle of Jack though he wasn't one for drinking he could really use a shot right now, so he placed in there before calling a salesgirl and resuming his journey, she not very kindly showed him where they had what he needed.

 

The man was halfway through grabbing his stuff when a loud bump was heard on the next aisle, then an annoying voice came through the speakers calling staff member to the pet aisle, Bruce facepalmed, _Damian!_ He scolded in his mind already knowing what it was, slowly he proceeded to find the boy with plushies and silicon rattles in his hands, he seemed to be getting up from pretty good landing if Bruce was being honest, he approached him sighing.

 

“Damian what are you doing?” The man tried to keep a calm tone.

 

“Alfred and Titus need new supplies as well father.” The boy simply stated holding up the pet toys in front of Bruce.

 

“We're not buying these Damian, put them back.” Bruce said with a deep breath.

 

“But father, Titus and-”

 

“No Damian, put these back.” He couldn't help but raise his voice a little.

 

Then he stared down at the kid, Damian's cheeks flushing, his bottom lip trembling, his left foot an inch back ready to stomp and his eyes filled with anger, Bruce glanced to his right an old lady was watching them curiously while holding a bag of dry cat food, to the other side a fat guy with glasses stared and a salesman was coming in rollers, he locked his eyes back on Damian, the boy on the verge of a tantrum, why the hell was Bruce breathing so fast, he had to make a decision, _right now_.

 

“Just throw them in the cart, we need to finish this list, come on.” Bruce told his son, who immediately smirked putting not only the things he had in hand but whatever else he found and wanted along their way.

 

Meanwhile Dick held a basket as he reached a new aisle, not just any aisle, Dick stopped dropping the basket, his eyes growing wide and shiny and then a choir of angels sang and technicolor sparks came flying all over and around him as he entered the gates of heaven dancing, being pulled by the cardboard boxes of Froot Loops, Cocoa Puffs, Reese's Puffs, Lucky Charms and finally, his adored Fruity Pebbles, it was like they were all calling his name. _“Dick. Dick? Dick?!”_

 

“Richard!” Bruce's voice brought him back to Earth.

 

“Uh-” he smiled sheepishly “I was just... you know…” he stared at the various boxes in his arms “getting breakfast! Yep!”

 

“Dick we're not taking all of it, choose one.” The vein jumping in Bruce's forehead seemed to talk for him.

 

“But you let Damian get toys for his pets.” Dick objected accusingly pointing to the cart.

 

“You know what, just get whatever you want and let's go pay.” Bruce said tiredly as he rubbed his temples and Dick jumped happily adding to the mountain of groceries.

 

Finally they were getting in line for the cashier and Bruce definitely needed the aspirins and he would take it with the whiskey, he glanced to the sides as if missing something. Damian tugged his hands in Dick's shirt pulling it slightly a couple of times, when the older boy finally looked he pointed to the toe sticking out of a hole at the bottom of the shopping cart, Richard held a stiff surprised expression as he slowly turned to face his brother. Then Bruce turned to them and it hit him?

 

“Where's is Tim?!” He exclaimed.

 

Bruce looked around as if the boy had been by his side the whole time, Damian and Dick kept quiet staring at the toe and then at Bruce. Too late it was their turn to unload the cart, a cashier passed by them and Bruce didn't hesitate to call her attention.

 

“Excuse me, my son is missing.” He told the young lady who didn't look surprised.

 

“Okay sir we can announce him on the speakers, What's his name and How old is he?” She asked very attentively.

 

“His name is Timothy and he is six… teen” it was further into the phrase that Bruce realized how ridiculous it sounded.

 

“Sir, uh, wouldn't it be better if you just called him on the phone or texted him?” she answered a little disconcerted.

 

There on the cashier the boys rapidly unloaded the cart little by little revealing Tim underneath the pile of food, Bruce cursed himself and hoped the salesgirl had just gone away when he turned again. The man decided to ignore the situation and the looks and whispers as Tim slowly rose from the cart stretching out his arms, putting on his shoes and asking what time it was and yawning _yawning!_ Sighing now had become even more natural than breathing, _it's almost over_ , he thought pulling his wallet to pay an absurd he didn't even ask how much, that's when Jason appeared and Bruce was somehow relieved, but when Bruce finally proceeded to actually pay...

 

“Hey aren't you that Wayne guy?” The cashier asked him raising his phone.

 

And suddenly there were camera clicks being heard towards him, towards the boys and a crowd started to form. Bruce saw Jason grinning and stepping back as he mouthed that he'd be waiting them in the car. _Traitor!_

 

* * *

 

It was a lovely Sunday evening when Alfred stepped back into the Manor being kindly asked how his trip had gone, he moved towards the kitchen and as he opened the door his mouth dropped and his entire body froze to the point he turned only the head to face Bruce.

 

“We thought the kitchen could use some renovations.” Bruce shrugged shoulders answering the silent question.

 

“I better not ask Master Bruce, I better not.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this and had fun.  
> Also thanks for reading! XD


End file.
